Communication Styles in Leadership: the mixed-gender quandry

Mixed-gender communication is imperative for healthy sacred sibling relationships. But we find many women struggle. They are either too quiet when they need to speak up, or they say too much at the wrong time. Let’s look at a woman who found that middle ground between silence and aggression. She was not afraid to tell Jesus exactly what she needed.

Jesus left that place and went to the vicinity of Tyre. He entered a house and did not want anyone to know it; yet he could not keep his presence secret. In fact, as soon as she heard about him, a woman whose little daughter was possessed by an evil spirit came and fell at his feet. The woman was a Greek, born in Syrian Phoenicia. She begged Jesus to drive the demon out of her daughter. (Mark 7:24–26)

Jesus traveled outside Palestine and into Gentile territory to Tyre, modern-day Lebanon. He was not there to minister publicly but to secure private time to instruct his disciples.4 But the news of his arrival leaked out, and a desperate mother found him, fell at his feet, and directly made her request. Perhaps Jesus did not appreciate the interruption.

In ministry, sisters often find they must go to their brothers for what they need. For a variety of reasons, sometimes their brothers are not receptive. Back in the nineties, I served as the volunteer director of women’s ministries in a megachurch. I was at the mercy of the male pastors for resources. But I had not yet found my voice, so during the few meetings with the senior pastor, I clammed up and did not express my needs. I taught the Bible to large groups of women—sometimes hundreds—and talked openly with my family and friends, but I was inhibited with this male minister. It’s a wonder he supplied us with a budget at all.

As I interacted with this male leader, I was confused. How should I act? Forceful like a savvy business woman? Demure and shy like I had been taught by a Bible-study leader years earlier? I did not understand that I was his spiritual sister—so I did not act like one. This Gentile woman in Mark 7 could easily have felt confused too, especially since she was not “one of his kind.” But she did not let that deter her.

She was direct and upfront because her cause was worthy. Her daughter needed healing. My cause was worthy too. I wanted the resources to minister to thousands of women in our church. But I allowed this man to intimidate me. Not this woman! I should have taken a lesson from her. She asked directly, but her request was denied nevertheless. What do we do then?

“First let the children eat all they want,” he told her, “for it is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to their dogs.” (Mark 7:27)

Ouch! That hurt! Jesus painted a picture that excluded her. In the passage, the children represented his disciples who were waiting to be fed. The children’s bread was figurative language for the benefits his disciples enjoyed, and the dogs were not street mongrels, but probably house pets, who sat under the table hoping for a tasty morsel to fall. Jesus was not comparing her to a Gentile dog, the Jewish derogatory term for outsiders. Nevertheless, Jesus denied her request—and being compared to any dog, even a pampered pet, could not have been pleasant. But she did not allow hurt feelings to overwhelm her nor did she respond defensively. Instead, she understood that she was not on his agenda for the day.

But she persisted nevertheless. She believed her need was worthy to be on his agenda. “Yes, Lord,” she replied, “but even the dogs under the table eat the children’s crumbs” (Mark 7:28). Not angry but consensual words.

 He was right. She was not a disciple or a Jew. But she was somebody and so was her daughter. She did not want much of his time, just a crumb. And with wise, reverent words she continued her argument. He heard her out, was impressed with what he heard, and granted her request. “For such a reply, you may go; the demon has left your daughter” (v. 29). Men respect sisters who believe in their cause and are willing to make a cogent case, as long as they do so with grace and humility.

This Lebanese sister models the healthy balance between drawing back and rushing forward foolishly. Have you learned that balance when you speak? Can you add helpful ideas for our fellow bloggers? We would enjoy hearing from you.